ophelia11 | Recent Entries

it's been a month since my last entry and i'm still dissociating. actually i think i'm worse than ever. i don't know what to do anymore. i've never experienced anything as bad as this.

i'm just going to copy and paste some bits i wrote over the past few days on my tumblr blog because that helps with my limited cognitive abilities...

"

1. I’ve finally acknowledged that I’m going through a mental breakdown and it’s been slowly building up over a year. But acknowledging it does nothing because I just have to ride it out, somehow. I’m at the point where nothing can help me..

2. I feel like everyone else works hard and complains and then gets good grades and i work even harder and have a break down and then get nothing

3. how many times will i tell myself that tomorrow will be better, tomorrow i won’t feel like this anymore. i want to feel real again.

4. So I’m thinking of postponing the rest of my master’s for a year while i earn money and focus on my mental health. This is just a really provisional thought and I’m going to consider it for a while. But i suspect it may be for the best. [[[JESSE I need to talk to you about this]]]

A positive post I reblogged: beachdeath
a thought: even if you get everything you want, it won’t magically make your life a conflict-free walk in the park. if i landed a dream job and a book deal tomorrow, i would also get two new sets of huge challenges, and two new litanies of possible next steps to take. getting what you want won’t make you happy, but taking care of yourself and finding community and support as you work toward your goals will. the process is all there is and you have to learn to live in it and love yourself in it.

Another less positive one:
urbancatfitters
me: what should I do?
me: it doesn’t matter; I’m not real

5. I feel like I always come second [this was followed by a horrific argument with my boyfriend in which i cried harder than i have in months because i thought he was going to kill himself. but thankfully that at least is fixed now]

6. I feel like a robot, on the outside I’m shiny and functioning but on the inside I’m hollow. I’m moving through life on auto pilot. I just feel like a shell and I don’t know who I am anymore.

7. I look back at what I’ve achieved this year and I can’t believe that’s me. What I’m still achieving. People telling me my paintings are amazing. I don’t feel proud or happy. I don’t feel content. I just feel nothing.

"

...

Also, this was mostly before I got by grades back, the day before yesterday. I worked myself into the ground, it was the most stressful week of my entire life. And for my artwork, for the entire book I created that I literally slaved over, I got 55%. 55 fucking percent.
And for my short essay, which I actually really enjoyed writing and thought wow, maybe I'm onto something here, I got 59% and the person who marked it said it was bafflingly bad and he completely disagreed with my interpretation of the artist. Which is like, just my interpretation.

I was about to go to sleep last night before hearing about the news of those killed in Manchester. I woke up early having barely slept. My cousins like Ariana Grande, I like her too, I've been to concerts of that size and bigger in London. What if one of us had been there and someone in my family had died. One of my best friends who I've known since I was 8 has a sister at uni in Manchester, just heard she's safe.

I know I have to get up now, get on with my day, but I can't believe that life can just go on after something like this. Innocent people have lost their lives, mothers have lost their children. I can't imagine how devastated they must be, and how traumatised the ones who survived must be. They just wanted to listen to music and have a nice night and forget about the hate in the world. Music is pure, it's what has moved us as human beings since we had voices, it's a place of spiritual worship and renewal. And now people have died because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time, it feels so cruel...

It's nearly the anniversary of the death of a girl from my school and I can't help thinking about that too. I knew her from primary school (when I was 8), she was very pretty, skinny as a twig with straight brown hair that was sort of shiny but tangled looking. She had brown skin and big brown eyes and all the boys fancied her. She died in a car crash when she was 17. She never liked me much, I was one of the weird nerdy kids and all the popular girls either avoided me or laughed at me and my friends. I was very quiet at school and I guess I just never really spoke to her properly, if we spoke now maybe we would be friends. I have a lot of memories of her in my life, playing netball with her, going to Wales on a school trip and sharing a room, sitting in class with her at sixth form before she died. The day after when we went into the classroom, everyone was silent, and then my friend Emilie sort of flounced in and sat down like nothing had happened. I felt annoyed at her in that moment.

Thinking of you Esther and all the other people whose lives were cut short, either last night or in other places around the world. My boyfriend said his mother lights candles to help souls find their way up to heaven and I will do that tonight.

just bumping down that last entry in case I get any new followers (friends?) on here.

A bit about me if you wanna add: I'm an artist (I study illustration), a feminist, very left wing, I work in a shop. I only just started this journal but it's probably just gonna be rambles about my mental health, my love life, who knows what...

I've had an odd day, I was still a bit worked up from last night and then had to go to work, it always feels like I could do with an extra 2 hours or so in the morning. I need to get up earlier but I'm still trying to rest to recover from my week of deadline hell. I think in the summer I'll try and get up super early and exercise and then get to work/do drawing. I always say I'll do this, but I always manage to get demotivated af :(

And then at work I ended up reading about the blue whale suicide thing and thinking how I could well have been one of those kids, I was so easy to manipulate and sometimes I think it could still happen to me. Then that took me to a reddit thread about it and people were being so morbid, and then I looked at other parts of reddit and got mad and said "I HATE MEN" and asked my manager if I could go upstairs to eat some cake.

My boyfriend and I just had a discussion about whether he'd be ok with me putting nudes on the internet for money (bear with me, this was purely theoretical). Turns out he was not and got really worked up about it! It was kinda cute though, why do I like it so much when people are possessive? Anyway, we then thought the next best thing would be to draw graphic furry art seeing as there's such a large demand for it these days. I really don't think I could do anything explicit, but I would stoop to doing furries if I absolutely had to. I don't think my 'style' fits with what furries want anyway. Maybe I should just do fan art and sell that on etsy as charms and things, how does that work with copyright anyway? But that would probably be a better use of my time. There's something very charming about having a secret identity to create lewd pictures for furries though.

Current Mood: amused

Despite being in a happy relationship with the cutest french guy in the world, sometimes I can't help thinking about someone I liked for a long time. We never met up, so nothing ever came of it, and maybe that makes it even harder. I've always thought that the hardest things to get over are the things that never happened. Even when I've been dumped and fucked over by someone, I can at least thing well, we had those few happy days together at least. But when you never even get a chance to try with someone, to experience what it's like to kiss them or sleep next to them, those "what if" feelings just haunt you.

Maybe I'm just a bad person, but I can't help feeling sad and frustrated. I know I should just cut this person off, but I can't seem to stay away. I don't even really LIKE him, it's something different. Maybe I should just put this down to being young and restless and doing long distance. This other person is never going to give me the time of day (I've tried so many times to meet up and he's never responded), he just likes to tease me and mess with me, because he knows he can :( my friends say, you're so attractive, you could have anyone you want, but that's not true, I can't. All I want is his attention, that's it. And I find when I get that, for a few minutes or whenever, I feel better, like I've achieved something. I can recognise how unhealthy it is, and I shouldn't even be feeling this way when I'm with someone else :(
For the record, I'm not cheating on my boyfriend, but last night it was like this person was trying to make me. He knows I'm with someone else, and he's still doing this.. I told him I was going to sleep, and he just seemed to find it hilarious. It's all my fault for letting him in each time anyway.

I'm just typing this here because I feel like too much of an awful person to tell any of my friends, please don't hate me.

Current Mood: aggravated

I started writing that entry last night and then exited the screen because I realised I was way too tired to be writing it. I feel tons better today. Just had a really relaxed morning and gonna read through my dissertation, maybe edit and write a bit before a friend comes round this afternoon. I even feel like I look better today. I remember saying to someone I dated last year, that I had got way more beautiful lately, but now I feel like I've hit the peak and am going downhill. Everything has taken it's toll and I've always had sad eyes.... maybe it's just in my mind though, because I do look good today. Maybe it's all to do with how we feel. (Just gonna be unapologetically narcissist.)

I don't know if that's gonna work.
I'm wearing a new dress my boyfriend ordered ages ago and it just arrived yesterday. It's a bit small around my hips so I'll have to wear tights with it if I go out. I guess I should feel happy with being tall and somewhat willowy anyway. Just wanna keep working out, eating carrots and hummus. I wanna eat healthily but I also wanna eat vegan, and that's way harder than it sounds.
My boyfriend is so cute btw. Don't wanna post a picture but I'm in love with the way he looks in this one photo when he had a moustache. Everyone told him it looks bad, but that look just kills me! He has the most sensitive green eyes too. I don't think I've ever been with someone with green eyes before. Anyway, now he's cut his hair really short and shaved :( he still looks cute, but I'm hoping he'll let his hair get long and messy again. Shit, I never thought I'd fall for a french guy who's both shorter and younger than me.

Well anyway, I'm gonna do some reading then some stretching and then go buy some hair dye with my friend. Need to write back to Jesse too!!
And I'm gonna be working Monday-Thursday. Kill me.
I bashed my nail earlier and I swear to god it was the most painful thing I've experienced since getting my tattoo.

Current Mood: calm

Watching eurovision on my own, it sucks a bit. I normally like to go to parties and get pissed and go on twitter. I was too exhausted to socialise tonight anyway. We have a new girl at work and I've been training her, and she's really nice, but talking all day just knackers me. It meant I didn't get to be on my own with my other co-worker too who is really quiet and we normally like to talk. Anyway, the girl is really nice and we have a lot in common, but it's the weird moment when you're still getting to know each other.

I feel weird and muffled. I wish I could come off these meds. I remember speaking to someone at uni last year, and him saying he didn't want to go on meds because he didn't want to be a zombie. I was like nah that won't happen! Guess he was right kinda.

Writing my first entry. I have no idea what I'm doing, but my friend Jesse says this is a good place, so I guess I will give it a go.
Who knows what I will write here, I've never successfully had a proper online blog before, just random snippets that I post to my tumblr then delete later.
I'm an art student studying a Masters degree in children's book illustration in Cambridge, UK.
I struggle with mental health issues and it's been very bad recently, maybe I will write about that, who knows. I hope to make some friends though.
I'm currently using a sketchbook for a mousemat and I just wrote a letter to my boyfriend in French. A very short letter.
I have two young cats called Sibby and Novy. Sibby is my eldest and she has been unwell lately. As well as the stress of hand-in, I've been dealing with trying to make her better. I haven't felt connected to reality in days. It's all too much. I have handed in most of my work now, but I can't accept that it's over. (Well, it isn't, I still have my dissertation to finish, and unfortunately I'm working part time too). I basically just need to do nothing for several days. I really hope I get well again soon.
Well, I will write soon.

My instagram, and a book I recently created for my course, hope it works. I'm simultaneously displeased and also incredibly proud of it.