it's been a month since my last entry and i'm still dissociating. actually i think i'm worse than ever. i don't know what to do anymore. i've never experienced anything as bad as this.
i'm just going to copy and paste some bits i wrote over the past few days on my tumblr blog because that helps with my limited cognitive abilities...
"
1. I’ve finally acknowledged that I’m going through a mental breakdown and it’s been slowly building up over a year. But acknowledging it does nothing because I just have to ride it out, somehow. I’m at the point where nothing can help me..
2. I feel like everyone else works hard and complains and then gets good grades and i work even harder and have a break down and then get nothing
3. how many times will i tell myself that tomorrow will be better, tomorrow i won’t feel like this anymore. i want to feel real again.
4. So I’m thinking of postponing the rest of my master’s for a year while i earn money and focus on my mental health. This is just a really provisional thought and I’m going to consider it for a while. But i suspect it may be for the best. [[[JESSE I need to talk to you about this]]]
A positive post I reblogged: beachdeath
a thought: even if you get everything you want, it won’t magically make your life a conflict-free walk in the park. if i landed a dream job and a book deal tomorrow, i would also get two new sets of huge challenges, and two new litanies of possible next steps to take. getting what you want won’t make you happy, but taking care of yourself and finding community and support as you work toward your goals will. the process is all there is and you have to learn to live in it and love yourself in it.
Another less positive one:
urbancatfitters
me: what should I do?
me: it doesn’t matter; I’m not real
5. I feel like I always come second [this was followed by a horrific argument with my boyfriend in which i cried harder than i have in months because i thought he was going to kill himself. but thankfully that at least is fixed now]
6. I feel like a robot, on the outside I’m shiny and functioning but on the inside I’m hollow. I’m moving through life on auto pilot. I just feel like a shell and I don’t know who I am anymore.
7. I look back at what I’ve achieved this year and I can’t believe that’s me. What I’m still achieving. People telling me my paintings are amazing. I don’t feel proud or happy. I don’t feel content. I just feel nothing.
"
...
Also, this was mostly before I got by grades back, the day before yesterday. I worked myself into the ground, it was the most stressful week of my entire life. And for my artwork, for the entire book I created that I literally slaved over, I got 55%. 55 fucking percent.
And for my short essay, which I actually really enjoyed writing and thought wow, maybe I'm onto something here, I got 59% and the person who marked it said it was bafflingly bad and he completely disagreed with my interpretation of the artist. Which is like, just my interpretation.

i'm just going to copy and paste some bits i wrote over the past few days on my tumblr blog because that helps with my limited cognitive abilities...
"
1. I’ve finally acknowledged that I’m going through a mental breakdown and it’s been slowly building up over a year. But acknowledging it does nothing because I just have to ride it out, somehow. I’m at the point where nothing can help me..
2. I feel like everyone else works hard and complains and then gets good grades and i work even harder and have a break down and then get nothing
3. how many times will i tell myself that tomorrow will be better, tomorrow i won’t feel like this anymore. i want to feel real again.
4. So I’m thinking of postponing the rest of my master’s for a year while i earn money and focus on my mental health. This is just a really provisional thought and I’m going to consider it for a while. But i suspect it may be for the best. [[[JESSE I need to talk to you about this]]]
A positive post I reblogged: beachdeath
a thought: even if you get everything you want, it won’t magically make your life a conflict-free walk in the park. if i landed a dream job and a book deal tomorrow, i would also get two new sets of huge challenges, and two new litanies of possible next steps to take. getting what you want won’t make you happy, but taking care of yourself and finding community and support as you work toward your goals will. the process is all there is and you have to learn to live in it and love yourself in it.
Another less positive one:
urbancatfitters
me: what should I do?
me: it doesn’t matter; I’m not real
5. I feel like I always come second [this was followed by a horrific argument with my boyfriend in which i cried harder than i have in months because i thought he was going to kill himself. but thankfully that at least is fixed now]
6. I feel like a robot, on the outside I’m shiny and functioning but on the inside I’m hollow. I’m moving through life on auto pilot. I just feel like a shell and I don’t know who I am anymore.
7. I look back at what I’ve achieved this year and I can’t believe that’s me. What I’m still achieving. People telling me my paintings are amazing. I don’t feel proud or happy. I don’t feel content. I just feel nothing.
"
...
Also, this was mostly before I got by grades back, the day before yesterday. I worked myself into the ground, it was the most stressful week of my entire life. And for my artwork, for the entire book I created that I literally slaved over, I got 55%. 55 fucking percent.
And for my short essay, which I actually really enjoyed writing and thought wow, maybe I'm onto something here, I got 59% and the person who marked it said it was bafflingly bad and he completely disagreed with my interpretation of the artist. Which is like, just my interpretation.
